Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Random Trailing of the Mind
Picture a green forest. The trees sway as the wind swirls by on its neverending journey across the world. A few woodland creatures scamper by (timid little things-really) as they scavenge for food and whatever else their little feeble minds might want to do. To some actually thinking about it they may be saying, "Oh my god... My nuts are gone!" Or to those of depressed or warped minds,"The world is nothing but an illusion created by the mind - yet - I can feel my surroundings! Oh well...who gives a flying fuck? We're all going to die anyway. Let's just sit here and wait for the world to blow up!"
I, Sir Wilhelm the Bored Knight of the Oddly Shaped Table (Our group was too poor for an actual round table - or square for God's sake - so we pitched in what we had and bought a funny looking one off of Ebay.) walk along this strange forest wondering how the hell I got here. I remember the hellish Mansfield High. What the hell is the place? A forest? I mean, come on! I want to beat the hell out of things, not feel like a hippie, and say, "Whoa man! This forest is like green, dude!"
I enter a clearing, (merely an empty circle in the sea of trees) collapse, and then confusion hits me like a wave; ebbing and flowing forth in the abyss of my mind. All of a sudden I hear voices.
"Hey, hey, yeah, you! You look 'board', haha!" I wonder where the source of such a crappy pun is. More voices follow the first - "Haha, good one, Twig. You 'leaved' me rolling on the ground, gasping for air."
"Ahhh, I just 'logged.' Damn.... That's such a mess." What the hell is this? These are such dumbass jokes!
It hits me all of a sudden - THE TREES! I yell out at them, "Shut the hell up! Your jokes are making my ears bleed." One pipes in,
"Well sorry you can't take a joke Sir Knight. We happen to find them very humorous. So either move along or shut your mouth!" That's the last straw and my patience at its limit. I pull out a match, strike it upon the sole of my boot, and lay waste to the wooden bastards.
"Ahhhhh! We're melting, we're melting!"
"Idiot! We're going up in smoke!" Within moments they were nothing but a pile of useless ash. Acting like a pure childish idiot, I pick up a handful, throw it into the air, and yell,
"Oh my god! It's snowing! Haha!" Once I regain my intellect I rush forth through the maze of trees - lost and delirious. A few of the woodland creatures gawk at me as if I were a piece of chocolate in a room full of fat people. Finally (after i couldn't feel my legs) I reach a bridge. I do a victory dance (which to most people I may look like a retard trying to have a seizure) and after a few moments of mindless dancing I take a step onto the bridge.
"Wot the hell is going on?!" a voice erupts from under the bridge.
"What does it look like? I'm walking across this bridge!"
"Like hell you are!" Suddenly a troll with its ugly, dark, and boxy figure emerges from underneath the mossy bridge. I shudder and wonder why fate screws me over and over again. I curse at the gods under my breath using every possible word in my limited vocabulary. After looking for me in every which direction the stupid troll finally sees me and charges towards me. I swiftly (and happily) dodge the bulky creature with my superior skills. He calms down and says, "You can't just walk across my bridge. You must pay a toll."
"A toll?!" I exclaim.
"Yes, a toll, I'm a toll troll."
"What kind of toll?"
"Just give me something!" I search my pockets. Empty of course. I curse myself for being so stupid as to not carry a single thing on me at a time like this.
"I don't have anything." I mutter - feeling ashamed.
"Well..." the troll says, flashing his sharp yellow teeth. "...There's one alternative. It's a game of chance... (Drum roll please) ...Rock, paper, scissors!"
"Rock, paper, scissors?! Come on man! Be more original!"
"Nope. I'm too damn lazy so you have to play. If I win I kick you off my bridge; if you win - well - I don't see that happening."
"Fine. We'll play this dumb game."
"One... Two... Three... Rock!" shouts the troll - too dumb to realize that his hand showed the shape in which he chose.
"Paper!" I shout. Apparently I am also too stupid at times to realize these things. The troll - after a few moments of stupidity - realizes he lost and slumbers back down under his bridge.
I venture across the bridge to a stream. A group of midget-like people surround it and so I approach them.
"Get down now! Put your hands in the air and keep silent!" I yelled. One of them shouts,
"Run, it's the cops!" They all scatter like bugs under the impending doom of the approaching foot.
"I was only kidding!" I yell, amused at how quickly they disappeared. They reappear rather pissed at me. "Hey man! You can't yell such nonsense around. We're not fond of the law!"
"Yeah. Say no to the man dude!"
"I don't know about everyone else but I have some killer munchies!"
"Hey Alfred those berries are for cleansing the body - not for eating!" I shake my head at the group.
"What is it you all were doing?" I ask - curious of why they acted so strange. A smile flashes across the apparent ring leader's face.
"Ever heard of Magic Herb man?" I shake my head. What a stupid name. "Well, here." He hands me what looks like a pipe. "Take a puff. It's great."
I do as instructed and my head feels like Jello. My vision starts swaying and dancing around.
"What the hell is going on?!" I yell, running around in circles.
"He's freaking out, man! He needs to cool off!" The midgets all surround me. The only side left for escape is the stream but the current is much too fast for anyone to swim across. Cornered and helpless, I assume the fetal position and wonder where the hell my mummy is.
Without warning, they push me in. The cold water envelops me like heavy air. I surface and realize that I'm heading to a certain doom over the waterfall. Damn - Here we go again.
I am spewed into the air by the rapid current and down, down, down into the depths of the black pool below... Once again I'm in the darkness.... Why are the gods so damned cruel?
(To be continued.... Someday.)
