Random Trailing of the Mind

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Random Trailing of the Mind

     Picture a green forest. The trees sway as the wind swirls by on its neverending journey across the world. A few woodland creatures scamper by (timid little things-really) as they scavenge for food and whatever else their little feeble minds might want to do. To some actually thinking about it they may be saying, "Oh my god... My nuts are gone!"  Or to those of depressed or warped minds, 
"The world is nothing but an illusion created by the mind - yet - I can feel my surroundings! Oh well...who gives a flying fuck? We're all going to die anyway. Let's just sit here and wait for the world to blow up!"
     I, Sir Wilhelm the Bored Knight of the Oddly Shaped Table (Our group was too poor for an actual round  table - or square for God's sake - so we pitched in what we had and bought a funny looking one off of Ebay.) walk along this strange forest wondering how the hell I got here. I remember the hellish Mansfield High. What the hell is the place? A forest? I mean, come on! I want to beat the hell out of things, not feel like a hippie, and say, "Whoa man! This forest is like green, dude!"
     I enter a clearing, (merely an empty circle in the sea of trees) collapse, and then confusion hits me like a wave; ebbing and flowing forth in the abyss of my mind. All of a sudden I hear voices.
"Hey, hey, yeah, you! You look 'board', haha!" I wonder where the source of such a crappy pun is. More voices follow the first - "Haha, good one, Twig. You 'leaved' me rolling on the ground, gasping for air."
"Ahhh, I just 'logged.' Damn.... That's such a mess." What the hell is this? These are such dumbass jokes!

     It hits me all of a sudden - THE TREES! I yell out at them, "Shut the hell up! Your jokes are making my ears bleed." One pipes in,
"Well sorry you can't take a joke Sir Knight. We happen to find them very humorous. So either move along or shut your mouth!" That's the last straw and my patience at its limit. I pull out a match, strike it upon the sole of my boot, and lay waste to the wooden bastards.
     "Ahhhhh! We're melting, we're melting!"
     "Idiot! We're going up in smoke!"  Within moments they were nothing but a pile of useless ash. Acting like a pure childish idiot, I pick up a handful, throw it into the air, and yell,
"Oh my god! It's snowing! Haha!" Once I regain my intellect I rush forth through the maze of trees - lost and delirious. A few of the woodland creatures gawk at me as if I were a piece of chocolate in a room full of fat people. Finally (after i couldn't feel my legs) I reach a bridge. I do a victory dance (which to most people I may look like a retard trying to have a seizure) and after a few moments of mindless dancing I take a step onto the bridge.
"Wot the hell is going on?!" a voice erupts from under the bridge.
"What does it look like? I'm walking across this bridge!"
"Like hell you are!" Suddenly a troll with its ugly, dark, and boxy figure emerges from underneath the mossy bridge. I shudder and wonder why fate screws me over and over again. I curse at the gods under my breath using every possible word in my limited vocabulary. After looking for me in every which direction the stupid troll finally sees me and charges towards me. I swiftly (and happily) dodge the bulky creature with my superior skills. He calms down and says, "You can't just walk across my bridge. You must pay a toll."

"A toll?!" I exclaim.
"Yes, a toll, I'm a toll troll."
"What kind of toll?"
"Just give me something!" I search my pockets. Empty of course. I curse myself for being so stupid as to not carry a single thing on me at a time like this.
"I don't have anything." I mutter - feeling ashamed.
"Well..." the troll says, flashing his sharp yellow teeth. "...There's one alternative. It's a game of chance... (Drum roll please) ...Rock, paper, scissors!"
"Rock, paper, scissors?! Come on man! Be more original!"
"Nope. I'm too damn lazy so you have to play. If I win I kick you off my bridge; if you win - well - I don't see that happening."
"Fine. We'll play this dumb game."
"One... Two... Three... Rock!" shouts the troll - too dumb to realize that his hand showed the shape in which he chose.
"Paper!" I shout. Apparently I am also too stupid at times to realize these things. The troll - after a few moments of stupidity - realizes he lost and slumbers back down under his bridge.

     I venture across the bridge to a stream. A group of midget-like people surround it and so I approach them.
"Get down now! Put your hands in the air and keep silent!" I yelled. One of them shouts,
"Run, it's the cops!" They all scatter like bugs under the impending doom of the approaching foot.
"I was only kidding!" I yell, amused at how quickly they disappeared. They reappear rather pissed at me. "Hey man! You can't yell such nonsense around. We're not fond of the law!"
"Yeah. Say no to the man dude!"
"I don't know about everyone else but I have some killer munchies!"
"Hey Alfred those berries are for cleansing the body - not for eating!" I shake my head at the group.
"What is it you all were doing?" I ask - curious of why they acted so strange. A smile flashes across the apparent ring leader's face.
"Ever heard of Magic Herb man?" I shake my head. What a stupid name. "Well, here." He hands me what looks like a pipe. "Take a puff. It's great."
     I do as instructed and my head feels like Jello. My vision starts swaying and dancing around.
"What the hell is going on?!" I yell, running around in circles.
"He's freaking out, man! He needs to cool off!" The midgets all surround me. The only side left for escape is the stream but the current is much too fast for anyone to swim across. Cornered and helpless, I assume the fetal position and wonder where the hell my mummy is.

     Without warning, they push me in. The cold water envelops me like heavy air. I surface and realize that I'm heading to a certain doom over the waterfall. Damn - Here we go again.
I am spewed into the air by the rapid current and down, down, down into the depths of the black pool below... Once again I'm in the darkness.... Why are the gods so damned cruel?
(To be continued.... Someday.)

Sir Wilhelm: Part 7 An Effed Up Series of Dreams Part 2

Falling. Endlessly. I can think of no other way to describe my current predicament. Through this void, absent of light or any sort of form. Only darkness of the darkest sort, ripping and tearing at my soul, seemingly distorting my form, my very being, with its primordial evil nature. I have been tumbling, rolling, simply falling for so long, time nearly ceases to exist in my thoughts. Fortunately, the situation offers sanctuary in the thought department. Except the moments I find myself talking to myself.
"Hello there!" I say, turning my head to the left.
"Good day," I say, turning my head to the right.
"Mighty fine weather we have in such a desolate spot!" I say, resuming my former position.
"Aye, excluding the time it rained animal parts from the sky! I swore I was going to be engorged by the hideous objects into some sort of fleshy, unrecognizable blob, its only purpose to devour the hearts of young maidens, wreaking havoc throughout the land!" I reply, head to the right and slightly at an angle, a crooked, demented smile dancing on my lips.
"Apparently we have an issue with split personalities.." I mutter, head once again to the left, focusing on nothing in particular.
I even went as far as to play cards with myself, the origins of the cards or the process in which this occurred unknown. With all the tumbles, rolls, flips and unique body positions my body has experienced, I may as well join the circus, become the star of the show with my fantastic movements, wooing the hearts of the young and old alike, just to steal their valuables and rape their innocence. Nah.. I'm not evil, I'm just uhm.. unique. Yes, that just about sums it up. Sir Wilhelm the Unique Knight, spreading my words of nonsense and odd shenanigans for all to see.
Finally, after hugging myself from fear and loneliness for the longest of moments, I look down, noticing the faintest of light. Hope and determination surge through my body, a wildfire ready to destroy every flammable object. I discontinue the hugging to commence a series of rolls, which in turn becomes a desperate dive towards the source of this light. I gain speed, pushing my body to go faster, the whoosh of the air in my ears growing in intensity. Makes me think of a missile speeding towards a city of oblivious people, unaware of the destruction that is about to unfold. I decide it is best to stop thinking momentarily.
The light grows with each passing second. It is almost like I can feel a source of warmth radiating from it, my only sign of hope in this other desolate environment. I have been in the grasp of this abnormal darkness long enough, sapping away and replacing my otherwise sunny disposition. Not sure why I usually feel so cheery, especially after all the strangeness that seems to be my life. Ignoring the negative circumstances for the win?
Eventually, the light seems within my touch. I embrace its gaze as I close my eyes, imagining being completely consumed by its nature. It is during this moment, I pass through the barrier of the void into a new ethereal realm. What awaits me and the setting in which this realm takes place is a mystery waiting to be solved. Where's Sherlock Holmes when you need him?
Storm clouds billow in the sky, waiting to unleash their rage upon the world. The moon uses them to mask its glow, feeling greedy, wanting to keep it all for itself this night. Not a sound can be heard as I descend, other than that whooshing sound, keeping my ears company. I pass through the clouds, tiny icicles forming on various articles of my clothing. My body trembles, not used to the chill in the air or how real every movement or touch feels after being in that void for such a time.
The ground becomes visible as I pass through the last wave of clouds. An ashen color, the environment desolate, barren and depressed. I flip through the air, three times to be exact, landing with a graceful pose. Maybe being in that void for some time had its benefits. I look around, surveying the scenery. Nothing spectacular catches my eye; buildings, tackled to the ground with a great force, litter the area. A graveyard of buildings, a once awe-inspiring location robbed of its magnificence, only to remain a memory. Whatever caused this magnitude of devastation I can only guess. I take my first step into this new terrain, staying aware of any dangers that may pose a threat. (Even if this is just a dream scenario, it is good exercise, right?!)
The clouds crackle with light, lightning erupting from their depths, booming thunder following its wake. Nature's display of beauty, sheer power, clashing with the destroyed artificial scene. The thunder increases tempo, torrents of rain escaping imprisonment, surrounding me, distorting, warping the atmosphere. Mud forms in seconds, hindering my movement, my boots sloshing through the muck. My soaked hair blocks my sight; I swiftly shield my eyes with my right arm. The raindrops fall from my clothing, eagerly anticipating being soaked by the gluttonous soil. The only sound in my ears is the pounding of the army of H2O, impacting on the earth.
I find myself in what looks like the center of the catastrophe, the array of buildings resembling fallen sentinels, protecting their objective until the tragic end. A lone statue kneels in the very center, seemingly frozen in time. The whole area so still, excluding the rain, the only presence that breathes life into this otherwise dead zone. A realm very much like the void, except that life did exist here once upon a time. I approach the statue, unaware of what the outcome of such a bold move may incur. I reach the base of the pedestal the statue is sitting upon; a goliath of what seems metallic origin. It is of the upper half of a man's body, arms outstretched, as if in a consoling and comforting manner. I look down at the pedestal itself; the words, "Let Peace Reign" decorate the front. I half laugh, half sigh, realizing how pointless, how futile this statue is, considering the state of this area.
"To what do I owe this pleasure, after so many long, unquestioning years?" a loud voice echoes above me.
My eyes widen, unsure of the source of such a

Sir Wilhlem: Part 7 An Effed Up Series of Dreams Part 1

My subconscious kicks into overdrive, assuming the role of a panicked thief in a getaway car. The darkness from the knock out quickly fades into a sense of surreal awareness. Opening my eyes, my vision slowly comes back into focus, much like a drunkard becoming sober. I lift my wearied body from the grassy ground, the grass moving back into place, weathering against the pressure of my weight. A slight breeze brushes the hair from my face, its touch quite soothing, seeming to whisper, "Let me rejuvenate you... Caress your tired frame."
A formation of clouds lazily drift by against the vermillion orange shade of the sky. I double-back, surprised at the color. 'ORANGE? I thought the sky was usually blue.' I quickly survey the horizon, trying to find that ball of flames we call the sun to see if it was setting, calling it a night as it drifts ever downward. However, it was nowhere to be found, either hiding, a frightened child after being scolded by its parents, or blown to smithereens by a self-righteous terrorist with the promise of many willing virgins in the afterlife.
BOOM.
The sound deafens my hearing, causing me to plug my ears with my hands for a brief moment. I try to locate the source of such a sound, noticing a gleam far off in the sky. 'What the hell is that?' I think to myself. As I continue to watch its course, I can tell it was moving fast, far faster than any object I have ever seen, towards my direction! Fear or surprise, maybe a mixture of both, wrack my frame. (Wait.. I am a knight of the Oddly Shaped Table.. I do not fear things, I embrace them!) Enthusiasm and excitement oust the other feelings; I skip with my outstretched arms, ready to embrace this occurrence with a bear-hug. (I've had more sane days, if you cannot tell..)
As I make my way towards the predicted point of impact, I look up; the object, a very round shape, was only moments away from crashing to the ground. So, stupidly, as I would say now, I close my eyes, lifting my arms upward to hug this object as it nears. I can hear a shrillness in the wind, probably due to the object hurtling towards me. Suddenly, the intellect I did have left, screamed, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! RUUUNNN!' but it was too late. The object collides with me, with such force, that I am launched into the air. The speed at which I travel is nauseating; my body rolling and tumbling through the air, upwards and upwards. I feel like a coin someone has thrown into the air, trying to guess whether it is heads or tails, to win that petty bet to see who wins the lovely girl's hand.
Surprisingly, even to myself, I manage to ascertain the thinking man's pose; my hand rubbing my chin, my lower body as if in a sitting position. Unfortunately, the only thought that crosses my mind is why Rainbow Brite has a flying unicorn with a multi-colored mane and I do not. By this time, my progress through the air slows, the tumbles and acrobatics lessen. Gravity has me in its sights, taunting me with a 'You are in my grasp now, mortal!' With that, I descend, my impulse to shelter my cranium with my trembling arms. Down, down, down, I fall, where I land, nobody knows! I cringe, sensing great amounts of pain, as the distance between my body and the ground close in.
Grrrugghhh.
I look at my stomach in stupefied awe. 'How can you be hungry at a dire time like this?!' I think loudly to myself. I swat my stomach with my right hand in an act of punishment. Looking down, a very foolish notion, the ground invites me and my soon-to-be broken body. "Oh nooooesss!" I exclaim. With reflexes, unbeknownst to myself even, I push my arms against the ground at impact, launching me into the air once again, but with much more control and maneuvering. I flip and spiral through the air, feeling like Samus Aran, as I plot out my landing. The thing my strategy has not anticipated, though, is a tree that blocks me from my safe landing. "Fuck myself!" is the only thing I can think of to exclaim.
Crack!
My body slides down the tree, much like a bird does after impacting with a glass door. I lay there, beyond dazed, as a quartet of birds flutter and chirp. After what seems an eternity, I regain what's left of my senses, pulling my body from the ground. Out of blind fury, I kick at the tree, hoping to return the favor. Instead, a giant acorn, the size of a medicine ball, falls. I scream and run in circles as the shadow becomes ever darker and with finality, the acorn smashes into me, burying me into the ground.
Hours pass...
I emerge from the hole with the resolution to approach situations with smarter solutions. 'Now, where is the object that caused this whole misadventure?" I ponder. I locate it on the northern horizon at the top of the grassy knoll on which I first stood. I have honestly never looked upon an object such as this. It looks metallic, gleaming with brilliance despite the fact of the absent sun.  Resting in that spot, silently, seeming to wait for an estranged passer-by to unlock its secrets. Curiosity, much the same as a feline's in the face of impending doom, crosses my thoughts. Giddy as a school-girl, I make my way back to it.
Upon arrival, I deduce that it must be some sort of container or ship, its origins unknown to me. I touch the side, an unwavering chill covering my fingertips. Definitely metallic. Having another "Hey let's be stupid" moment, I kick the object with all the force I can muster. Instantly, I hop around like the village idiot might do, after accidentally shoving his foot in a bed of coals. Around this time, the door to the pod opens, a steam escaping the interior, happy to be out in the open. A gloved hand grasps the side, helping to pull the figure from its previous position.
"Hello!" I yell, the pain finally subsiding from my bruised foot. I can tell the figure was not of this world; its hair a fiery orange draping the shoulders of the suit it wears, its skin a sickly green unlike mine. It observes the surroundings until it spots me. I realize the figure is not an it, but most definitely a she, or at least it appears to be female. Without so much as a warning, the figure pulls on the zipper on the front of the suit, intending to shed it. Talk about happiness! I dance around, in an idiotic display, not even trying to mask the emotions that have captured my senses. She relieves herself from the suit, gracefully tossing it aside. She stands, half-naked, the only apparel masking her fully naked body is her bra and undies.
"The Gods must love me today!" I exclaim, throwing myself onto her frame. I expect a similar action from her, a sign of affection, one that treats me to a fun night ahead. Instead, she flicks my forehead, causing me to stumble and fall down the hill. 'Gah, curse my luck!' is my thought as I lay there. I slowly clamber back up, my reserve weakened and betrayed. She stands there, amused, her lips curling into a full smile. "How could you do that?! I only wanted to greet you in a humanly fashion!" I spit out, pointing at her. She merely shakes her head, motioning for me to come near once more. I feel rather wary, at this point, about doing so. I shake such thoughts off and approach once more, unsure of the outcome. I do keep my distance, though, just in case.
She was very attractive for an other-worldly being. I fight to keep my thoughts from dirty notions.
'My name is Arylia.' a thought enters my mind. I can only assume that she was talking to me, telepathically, since her lips had not moved once.
I bow, trying to show a bit of regal and of course, respect. ''My name is Sir Wilhelm of the Oddly Shaped Table, protector of the weak and frail, enemy to those that endanger a happy, productive life-style."
She briefly claps, out of amusement or just humoring me, I cannot tell. Without warning, she approaches me, throwing off the gloves that had once adorned her hands. Once she is inches from me, she begins caressing my body. I can only think that after the Gods, having put me through so many toils and unfortunate events, finally favor me. On the outside, I stand very still, savoring the moment in its entirety. On the inside, I fist-pump the air, too excited for words.
"What called for this course of action?" I reluctantly ask, knowing this moment cannot last forever.
'On my planet, this is a sign of greeting' she muses, her voice a sweet honey echoing in my head. 'I have come all this way to find a suitable mate, and seeing how you are the one individual that welcomes my arrival, I wish to throw myself onto you, in hopes that you will take me as your own.'
I ooze at the words, feeling like a liquid being soaked up by the ground to nourish the plants that inhabit its surface. My thoughts do hand-stands in jubilation at such a response. My body trembles at the prospect of her attraction towards me. I figure I come off as having a breakdown, since she backs away, bewilderment clear in her eyes. Regaining my composure, I state, "Apologies. I am not used to prospects like the one you have just announced. I am far too used to being chased away by the opposite gender, probably for the fact that I am considered far too dirty-minded to be taken seriously. I can't help it that I enjoy being a peeping tom. The idea of seeing bare skin..." I drool uncontrollably.
'I assume you would very much enjoy seeing my features to the fullest?' Arylia asks, biting her lip seductively.

"Oh my god! YES I WOULD!!" I shout, realizing my voice has lost its manly manner, but instead sounds like a boy hitting puberty; the crack in my voice betraying any sense of seriousness. 'Why, oh why, must you do such things in face of such a promising situation?!' I ask, as I mentally kick myself.

Arylia slowly points to a spot by a giant oak, its branches spreading shade for all to enjoy. I throw myself onto the spot, still drooling at the thought of seeing features foreign to my most recent experiences. Jumping up, I turn to face her, anticipating the dropping of clothes. She begins moving in arms, a flurry of blinding speed, as if practicing a ritual. I watch with amazement, due to her actions and the randomness of the scene. My eyes barely catch the movement, the speed ever increasing, nearly creating vertigo. The movements gradually slow down, stopping with her arms, outstretched, above her head. I wait, hoping to see the clothes fall from her intoxicating form, the sight in which I have waited for since meeting this divine goddess. (Woah... Don't I already sound attached? Damn my emotions! More like stab them in a psychotic fashion. Stab, stab, stab, muahaha, I will not spare a single emotion! Erm... Anyways..)

She smiles deeply, giving me the sense that she finds me irresistable. The perfect curvature of her lips making my heart tumble and sputter. Within an instant, her warm face transforms into a cold, spiteful form; her frown creating icicles in my soul. She flings her arms downward, sending tremors in my directions. I nimbly jump into the air, relieved that my reflexes act faster than my mind.

'Look down.' Her voice echoes.

Doing as instructed, I look down only to find the ground that had once been beneath my feet replaced by a black void, more than capable of engulfing everything that is me. Out of reaction, I flail my arms and legs in a swimming motion, trying to flutter to intact earth. Of course, this is foolish, as I begin to make my descent. With one final motion, I flip her the bird as I fall from her view. 'All I wanted was to behold your beauty,' I think to myself. She leans over the hole and blows me a kiss, a kind gesture compared to her previous action. I shoo it away, quite annoyed by her presence. With that, I disappear into the void... A new level of darkness engulfing me, tearing away at me; the cat sadistically playing with a scratch post.

"You bitch! And Gods, I don't even know what to say to you anymore... All you ever do is toy with me, luring me in with a false sense of hope and trust, and then you piss on it, like someone pisses on the grave of the one they hate, silently laughing at my misfortunes! When I finally die, I will find all of you and give you a bleeding anus!"

Sir Wilhelm: Part 6 (The Story Finally Resurrected)

I look upon a scene of complete randomness; groups of cats and dogs trotting up an invisible wall, each area their paws touch ripple outward, as if walking in a shallow pool of water. Feeling risky, as I am unsure whether this is reality or just fantasy, (hard to tell with the occurrences that follow me) I walk forwards, inching ever closer to the scene before me. As I approach, every individual cat and dog turn their heads to look at me. To my dismay, I realize that none of them have eyes, just empty, hollow sockets staring absently in my direction.

"What beasts have I stumbled upon?" I ask, curious as to whether these creatures had the intellect to reply.

One of the dogs, assuming it is one or at least looks as such, opens its mouth. A row of sharp, gnarly teeth appear. I shudder, imagining a helpless little chick facing the dark, hungry glare of a fox. (Morbid, I realize, but hey! Everyone has their days and my day is today, so deal with it!) "We.. We are merely creatures prowling and lurking in the recesses of every living creatures' minds. The ones that do dream, that is," it replies.

"Is there any significance to your presence?"

"Depends on how you perceive the infortmation.. Our appearance can be enough to frighten those of weak will. So, simply enough, I can say, yes and no. We are called the Unforsaken. Creatures that bear the ill will of the world, the embodiment of the negativity that exists in all dimensions. However, we intend no actual harm, rather we are messengers of ominous things to come."

"What information do you have for me?" I ask, curiosity boxing me around, knocking me silly like a date rape drug in a female's drink.

"You are to face many trials and tribulations in your journey. The world you live in is facing dark times. An evil force shall become apparent eventually and you will become a part of something far greater than you will ever know. Until that time, be wary and prepared."

"Haha. Is that all? Dark times follow me like prostitutes to free money, King Kong to the nearest semi-attractive broad to man-handle, George W. Bush to the next pretzel that may threaten his life.."

"Alright, alright, I get it!" the Unforsaken exclaims. Agitation, although hardly noticeable, flashes across its face.

"Just making sure you get the point," I smile. "I shall face it when it comes. But who is to say that this is just my mind playing tricks on me? Trying to scare me into divulging my secret Halloween candy stash spot? Steal my identity and squander my reputation? Not that I have a great one to begin with..."

"What ramblings..." it mutters. "Take it as you will. Either embrace the information at hand or blow if off as if it was nothing more than a dream."

As it finishes the sentence, the scene becomes blurry, faded, as if looked upon behind warped glass. It swirls, becoming ever more unclear until finally...

I awake to find myself on a beach. Brushing the wet sand from my clothes and armor, I look out upon the waters in front of me. 'How is it that every time I have found myself submerged, on the verge of drowning, I always manage to survive? In this armor especially!' I think to myself. (And another thing... Why have I not mentioned that I wear armor? At least I don't think so... But, YES I DO WEAR ARMOR! and water mixed with armor equals disaster.) There must be a force out there watching my ass, maybe like Lady Luck, with all her sexy goodness... Woah, wait, I don't know what she looks like. Er.. Gutter-mind...

As I watch the tides flow in and out, reminding me of a little punk that taunts you with something awesome, but his annoying nature makes you instead forget about that and wanting to pummel him, a force impacts the back of my head, knocking me into the wet sand. (I do have a nasty habit of being hit in the head or knocked unconscious.. What is with that?)

"As they say, you should always be on guard," a familiar voice says.

I jump up, too angry to notice the pain and the person who caused it. "WHO IS THEY?! AND WHAT MAKES "THEY" SO SMART?!" I exclaim, kicking at the wet sand, missing and falling back to the ground.

"Haha.. Temper tantrums are very unbecoming of you, Sir Wilhelm. And over such a trivial thing as who they is... You cease to amaze me."

I lift myself back up, facing the person who has caused this whole senseless moment. Realization pulverizes my senses. Sir Eric the Black of Door stands before me, holding his staff in one hand and a look of irritation and amusement on his face. Reminds me of a bull that hates your presence, but is happy to gore the piss out of you. Not that the two are related...

"Nice to see you Sir Eric. Even though it looks as if you have made off better than I have. Why has nothing bad happened to you, while I get pinned down by a giant squid at one point and left to drown in the ocean the next?" I reply, brushing the blasted sand from my being for a second, and hopefully, last time for awhile.

"The Gods hate you, not me. And as for escaping that predicament, it was simple. Remember.. That captain was going to marry the victor. After you disappeared into the depths of the ocean, all of us unsure whether you would make it or not and then discarding such a thought, they arranged a wedding ceremony. As brilliant as I am, I devised that her men should swim a lap in celebration of our joining. The imbeciles, each and every one, jumped ship, only to drown because they forgot they could not swim. With part one of the plan accomplished, I made my way to the captain's chambers, where she was finishing some wedding details. With my charisma and charm, I seduced her into to be tied up and gagged. Trust me, I did not think it would be so simple, but apparently, pirates really are not known for their brains."

"I never get off that easy!" I exclaimed, the blood rushing to my face, making me look like a strawberry or something red anyways.

"Ah well, enough about that," Sir Eric says, brushing off my comment. "I made my way here, figuring if you did survive, you would wash ashore here. As luck would have it, you were, so I had to get your attention somehow."

"By hitting me in the back of the head?! What a companion you are.."

"No one ever said I had to be nice about this.."

"Alright, fine, whatever," I snap back. "Where are we anyways?"

"I can tell you, human!" a figure says, erupting from the growth further on the island. A few others figures burst through behind the first one, snarling and growling like a pack of dogs. As far off as they were, I could tell they are orcs.. a demi-human plague. Dealing with orcs is like dealing with a rabid rabbit... There is no dealing with one. What bad memories..

"Well, not before we take both of you captive!" Of course, another instance where the Gods shun me! Why? I hate all of you!
"Let them capture us, "Sir Eric says. "That way we can figure out exactly where we are and then formulate a plan."
"I thought your style was to stand and fact and act all badass?" I inquire, a small smirk flashing across my lips.
"Usually is, but this time.. Let's just say I am feeling a little lazy."
"Are you planning on knocking us out first?" I yell to the apparent orc leader. I had one of those nasty feelings he would answer with a yes.
"Of course. Less resistance and easier to carry, human!" the leader snarls. I knew it... Always with the knocking out part. What about my poor brain cells? I can hear them yelling, "NOOO. Another group of my family succumbs! We will avenge you... or die in some stupid instance too, since Sir Wilhelm has a knack for it!!"
Taking the moment as the other orcs make their way towards us to collect myself, I knew there was only one course of action... Raising my fist into the air, watching the silhouette that forms as it blocks the sun from my view, I bring it down with force into my face. The impact is enough to knock me right out... (Could not give the captors the pleasure this time... Hah!)
Darkness envelops my mind, a seemingly constant companion in my misadventures. I could say adventures but, really, with all that has happened to me thus far, it has to be misadventures.. Yep. As I slowly fade from reality, I swear I could see the Gods laughing at me, pointing their fingers at me with much amusement. I can only think of malice towards these beings, always fucking with me! One of these days, I will come up there and kick all your arses. Your time will come!

Sir Wilhelm: Part 5 (The Last of the Xanga post stories)

Tuesday, 09 September 2008

A Rather Strange Boatride

Here I am, surrounded by mounds of ice cream, (an obese person's heaven!), each flavor taunting me with its delicious words, "Eat me... eat me... you know you want some of my artificial goodness!" My mouth waters furiously, creating pools of saliva. Before I know it, I pounce the chocolate mound and start to make ice-cream angels... (Can't exactly make snow angels, can I?) Woohoo! is all I can think. Heaven, in a most delicious form...
"Sir Wilhelm, wake your ass up! You salivate like a starving dog!" I quickly stir, embarrassed like a kid caught by everyone in their underwear. I try to wipe my drool covered mouth, but my arms don't move. "Oh my god! I have no arms!" I yell as I thrash about, knocking myself to the wooden floor. "You idiot... We're bound by rope. Are you on something?" Turning several shades of red, I shake my head and ponder about senseless topics... Haha... Jello, it's alive! Two times two equals four, pi equals squared... Gah! Damn you math and your stupid, stupid numbers. Why?!
"Ah our captives are awake! How are you feeling?" the female captain asks as she enters. Her long, flowing black hair swirls in the sea breeze. She smiles, one filled with cunning and deception as she approaches us. My mouth waters as I noticed she is very busty and to top it off, wearing a low cut shirt... Ahh.... Cleavage. I shake away the perverted thoughts and look at Eric, who looks very cross with her and the situation we're in. "What do you think?" he asks her in a sarcastic tone. She sets her attention on him, a piercing stare that most people would cower from... But not Sir Eric... He looks right back at her with rage in his eyes. "I didn't accompany this man here just to be captured. What is the reason for our imprisonment?" She laughs... Jiggly breasts... <Shakes away the thought...> "To be frank..." "Your name is Frank?!" I interrupt, surprised. "No... You naive man. What I was trying to say is... I have taken an interest in both of you, but of course, I can only have one as my mate..." I try to say something, but the words catch in my throat. "What?!" Eric exclaims instead. "That is completely idiotic. You dumb sea bitch." "Ooh. I like a guarded man. It makes the game a bit more challenging. However, since I can only pick one of you, there must be a test: a fight to the death to be exact!" "Between who?" I ask. (A rather dumb question, I now realize) "You two... Now make me proud and let there be blood and plenty of it! Heh." She unsheathes her sabre and cuts our bindings.
The bright sunlight stings my eyes as we make our way onto the deck. All of her men stare us down, no emotion visible on their faces. Vibes of homosexuality quiver along my spine or maybe it's just me... "Ah, gay seamen, haha," I whisper to Eric as we make our way to the center of the deck. "Idiot..." is all Eric mumbles. Roars erupt from the men. Sounds like they are trying to be animals in the zoo... Or a pack of wolves... I don't really know. "Men, I have a show for us. The death of one of these fine gentlemen and a quick wedding afterwards! How does that sound?" "A wedding... Why a wedding? Pirates don't marry. We're fierce sea dogs, living on the edge and fighting those that try to control us. Don't tell me the captain is going soft? Yes... I can see it in her beautiful eyes. You're not the same captain I once knew. Fuck you!" one of the men exclaims. "So be it..." the captain says, ice in her voice. She whips out a pistol and shoots the man between the eyes. Kur-plunk is the last sound the man ever made. Water aerobics and old wrinkly women in the water excercising comes to mind, for some reason... Ugh... Old women makes me sick. I feel queasy as silence, dead as a dog, comes over the men. "Now for the spectacle you've all been waiting for!" She throws two swords at us, which I quickly pick up. "Woo! I feel powerful!" I shout, forgetting everyone around me. The men laugh and shake their heads at my stupidity... (At least I admit it, right? Righhhttt?) I face Eric with the sword at my side. "Now, now, don't tell me a knight can't kill someone he hardly knows?" Eric asks, a slight smile curling on his lips. "I can!" he shouts suddenly, fire issuing from his open hand. I barely manage to deflect the attack with the sword, which advertly scorches some of the men watching. The image of the flaming homosexual comes to mind... Haha... I rush in to attack, but I stumble, the sword flying out of my hands and into another man's head. Thud. "Oops. Sorry!" I shout. I run to the captain and use her body, which is heavenly I might add, as a shield. "Get the hell away from me!" she exclaims, slapping me all over. "I like it when you're rough." I reply. "Ugh. You swine..." I back up with her, until I reach the edge of the boat. The men watch intently, enjoying every moment of the spectacle. "Bye everyone!" I shout as I push her away and diving into the water, which swirls violently... Oh shit... Water fills my lungs, seemingly to shout," Lungs, you are my bitch!"
Coughing and spewing, I sink into the water... I curse my stupidity as I lose consciousness... Again, darkness controls me... Absorbing my being in its black entity of blackness. Damn you, gods! You know what? I use to be faithful, but no more! You like fucking people in the ass!

Sir Wilhelm: Part 4

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Starting the LONG journey back

Sir Eric the Black of Door cautiously approaches the front door of the shack. He presses his back against the wall against the weathered door, his breathing silent. He motions for me to come closer; I do, slowly, creeping up next to him. "Damn... I haven't had visitors since the last group of Girl Scouts came, trying to sell me those nasty ass cookies for unreasonable prices... Damn little bitches," he whispers, scorn on his face. "Evul little brats, really. They are even more greedy than all the kings in the world. All to get their badges they cherish so much." The booming resounds again and again. "Alright, the plan is to quickly swing the door open and then attack. Got it?" I quickly nod. He counts to three and then, with sudden swiftness, throws the door open. Standing outside, a man looks at us both. I get a weird vibe from him, like his sexuality is screwy. Within moments, both Sir Eric and I realize we've encountered a homosexual. We jump back with surprise. I unsheathe my sword and wait for Sir Eric. However, he's already raising his hand, fire issuing forth and engulfing the man. He screams and runs in circles, becoming a human fireball.
"We've got a flaming homosexual on our hands," I joke, chuckling. Watching the man slowly burn alive is too much for me, though. I quickly stride forward and stab him in the abdomen, blood spewing from his wound. "Urgh! You... son... of....a..." He collapses, his body limp. "Er... Should we poke him with a stick and see if he's still alive?" I ask. "Nah... Leave the corpse where it lies." He glares at the body, then kicks it, causing it to rise with the force of his kick.
"Well...What now?" I ask. He simply looks at me and shakes his head. "Forget about your mission, you fool? To Mansfield to vanquish whatever it was you were rambling on about before. However, to keep a close eye on you to make sure no real misfortune befalls you, I'll journey with you and keep you company. Such a long journey would be rather lonely solo." I briefly smile, remembering how happy I was when I hit puberty... Ahh, nothing like getting that deeper voice... and all that hair in...weird...places. Nevermind...  I nod, agreeing that it is probably best that Sir Eric accompanies me.
He quickly packs several items together in a small backpack and slings it over his shoulder. "I'm ready when you are, then, I suppose." I nod and we quickly exit the shack, its depressing look becoming sadder and sadder by the moment. The trees stir, shaking their trunks, making gray, withered leaves fall depressingly slow to the ground just to crumble away by the force of the wind. Apparently they too talk like the ones in the green forest, just with a more negative outlook. "Have you ever thought about how much life sucks?" one tree blandly asks another. "There's no point in even trying. We're just going to die anyways... Ah hell, I just want to die." Feeling like an asshole, I strike a match (Where the hell am I getting these?! Wait... I really, really don't want to know....) and throw it onto the tree. "You diiiccckkkk! I didn't mean for you to killlll mmeeeee...... Thhhiiiissss iiiisss fuuunnnnnn! Echo, echo! Amagod! I'm burning... burning....." A fizzle sound was the last thing that could be heard as smoke and ash are all that remains. "Feeling homocidal, do we?" Sir Eric asks, jokingly.
We venture through the Forest of Depression, full of boring swamps and more depressed trees... Maybe they lost their nuts to the ravenous squirrels (Haha) and its left them rather sad and on low self-esteem. Everything in the forest is, well, depressing... After what feels like several hours, our spirits drained of all hope and happiness, we emerge on the north side. The golden sunlight splashes us and revitalizes our souls.
"I must warn you to watch out for any North Side gangsters... They like to think they own the place and the South Side ones are their enemies. It doesn't matter, though, because they feel like everyone is from the south, so they shoot first, ask the corpse questions later. Just follow me and watch your step," Sir Eric says.
We walk along the dirt-trodden path that leads away from the forest onto northern boundaries. We're soon cut short by some darker looking men, each wearing a scowl. "Hey, you two! I bet you're from the south. Don't make us bust a cap in yo asses." Sir Eric, quickly losing his temper, sets one of them ablaze... Within moments, a burnt, smoking corpse. "What made you do that?" I ask him. He shrugs. "I just like fire... It's interesting and setting things aflame is actually quite fun." I shake my head and stare down the remaining gangster. He looks scared, but persistent. "Don't make me call in reinforcements," he warns. "I can have a whole gang on you within moments... But, you do have one option."
I instantly know what he means. I break out in dance, busting out all of the moves I know. "This isn't Dance Dance Revolution, dumbass," Sir Eric mutters. The gangster also breaks out in dance, trying to school my awesome dance moves. This lasts several minutes before I do the splits (Which my groin still hurts.... and seeing physical therapy for...), unable to get back up. "Damn... Who knew I'd get schooled by someone doing the splits?" the gangster asks himself. "Fine, yo niggas are free to pass... I hope something eats you, impales you, something..." "Like that will happen!" booms Eric, setting the gangster ablaze. He shrugs again. "I love fire, what can I say? The colors are just pretty, I guess."
We cross through the North Side Gangster territory quickly, taking detours along the road. We reach a bluff that overlooks a large body of water. The water, a grayish black, ebbs and flows with its own massive force. I look over the edge, thinking of bungee jumping... Ouch... Those rocks would definitely rip you a new one... before stepping back. "Hm... This is the Ocean of Malcontent," informs Sir Eric. "Now... To find some sort of transportation across this vast body of water." I look at him, stunned. Across that...? There is no way.... "Are you shitting me?" I ask. "How the hell are we supposed to cross? You did say malcontent. That word doesn't sound too er... pleasant."
A loud splash interrupts our conversation. A giant squid, its red eyes shiny with bloodlust, appears. Its tentacles, easily twenty feet in length flail around in every which direction. I quickly unsheathe my sword, measuring our chances against the hundred foot beast. Its beak, dripping of saliva, snaps, sounding like the boom of thunder.
"I AM BORELIAS! THE 2ND COUSIN, TWICE REMOVED OF KRAKEN!" it booms.
"Thanks for the very short family history lesson!" yells Sir Eric before grabbing the staff that he had secretly strapped to his back. "Eat fire, bitch!" He swings the staff in the beast's direction, creating a firestorm that quickly scorches its tentacles. It screeches, the sound of fingernails against a chalkboard coming to mind. Not wanting to miss any of the action, I grab a rock and chuck it at its head. It bounces off, apparently doing no damage. "What are you thinking?!" asks Sir Eric, dodging the undamaged tentacles. "How the hell is a little rock going to damage a hundred foot squid? Use some sense, genius!" Without warning, one of its tentacles strikes me, pinning me to the ground. "Oh my god.... Its like fat camp all over again!" (I don't even remember how I joined the camp, only the fat bitch smashing me like a pancake.) "Idiot!" yells Sir Eric, using some nice ninja skills to dodge and attack the tentacles. "Take that and that!" he yells again, swinging his staff like there's no tomorrow. Fire erupts in every direction the tentacles are flailing. Every single one is scorched.
"UNCLE! UNCLE! ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!" Borelias booms.
Another loud splash... Silence as the aftermath of the battle commences. I lay in a crumpled heap, not wanting to move. "Get up, you lazy ass!" I slowly and weakly raise myself to my feet, wobbly and dazed. "What a battle that was..." I mutter, surprised I could actually talk. "We won, I take it?" "I won, to be precise," Sir Eric says, shaking his head. "Get it right, genius." We both sigh with relief that its over and stare off to the edge of the horizon, the water's ugly surface stretching the whole distance. Hah. Reminds me of whores, for some reason. Damned hotdog in a hallway. I shudder at the thought.
"Put your hands up!" a female voice erupts from behind us. "Don't move besides that. Good... Now boys, tie 'em up and let's take our newly found booty aboard with us. Argh! Eh, fuck this. I'm just going to talk normally. Men, take these good gents and put them in the storage area. Make sure their restraints are tight enough to cut all the circulation off in the hands... Heh heh. Oh... Sorry. Got carried away. Just put them on board! Pronto!"
Rough hands tie ropes around our arms and legs, causing us to fall to the ground with a loud thud. Blindfolds are tied to our faces not long after that. "Knock the bloody bastards out." Not again, I think to myself. A quick blow to the head... Darkness.
I'm seriously going to find out which gods like fucking with me and I'm going to open a can of fresh whoop ass, sometime... I'll get my revenge. I'm watching your every move... Like now... You're on the pot, wishing you weren't constipated, you fuckers!

Sir Wilhelm: Part 3

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Companion... Or Rival?

Light once again floods my vision, creating a splitting headache that quietly brags, "How do you like that?! I suck, don't I? Well, hah, you're in my grasp and I won't let you go! Muahaha!" I, Sir Wilhelm the Rather Confuzzled Knight of the Oddly Shaped Table, feel as if I am suffering from a massive hangover, barely able to move any of my joints. I stumble out of the dark pool of water, completely soaked head to toe, shivering from the chilly air of the valley. The valley, itself, looks haunted, ominous trees, although not talking enchanted trees, are still able to leave an impression on the mind. In the distance, a shabby looking shack stands solitary in the grove of intimidating oaks. I slowly stumble in its general direction, using all of my reserve energy to drag my feet along. Thud, thud, thud goes my weary boot laden feet. "Ahh, it burns, it burns.... Cool me off!" my legs scream with each heavy step. Fatigue hits hard and fast like an unexpected blow to the back of the head. I fall forward and face plant into the dark, gray mud... Subconsciously, I hear the opening of a door and a few words uttered before passing out.
"Hmph. Ever going to wake up?"
My eyes slowly open. The actual room of the shack (if it is the shack) is more spacious than it first appeared from the outside. Also, full of valuable things.... Ooh. Shiny. 'I'm turning Japanese, I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.... Because of all the shiny.' My mind fully snaps out of it and I notice a man, his long black hair draping his shoulders like a cloak and a scruffy-looking goatee. His hard eyes pierce right through me, as if he knows my every thought.
Groggily, I ask, "Who might you be?"
He smirks, unknown whether it is friendly or guarded, he replies, "Nobody to be concerned with, actually. But may I ask the same question of you? I did find you passed out in front of my shack."
"Damn... Now I have to tell you. Well... To put it simply, I am Sir Wilhelm of the Oddly Shaped Table. Long story about why the table is oddly shaped. Too long of a story to tell in one setting."
A dark gleam flashes crosses his eyes. He smirks once again, although it seems full of malice, more so. He coughs and his expression softens. "I see.... Well, I'll make my introduction. I am Sir Eric the Black of Door of the Knights of the Odder Table."
Surprise hits me like a ton of bricks on top of my head, crushing it with its formiddable force and weight. I gape at him, confused. My mind is swimming with multiple thoughts. 'Damn... Why did I have to smoke some Magic Herb? Where the hell is me mum?! Why did he have to find me?! Omg! I left my money in my other pants pocket! Oh noes!' Slowly, I say, "Isn't the Odder Table Order rivals with the Oddly Shaped Table Order?"
"Yes... Trutthfully we are. A counter-group designed to stop the activities and ambitions of your group. Too idiotic in our eyes. I've heard of some of the things you've tried to obtain in the past. A mystical black sheep, with the power to grant wishes with the slightest pat on the head. Who would believe that? Yet... All of you went out venturing for it."
"The sheep said it didn't feel like granting our wishes," I say through clenched teeth. Anger boils red hot like a pot sitting on the stove for too long. I jump up with rejuvenated strength, staring Sir Eric down with contempt written all over my face, plus the mud, still caked on my cheeks. Mmm... Mud pies are the shit. Anyways... I ball my hands into fists and yell, "Don't put down my group! You'll force me to... to... stab you with my finger!"
He laughs heartily, the only sound in the quiet shack. The walls, themselves, cover their ears, to drown out the noise. "We're trying to nap, you dick!" the right wall yells. "Shut up you damn thing!" Eric yells at it. "Fine, fine, but don't get mad when I bitch because I haven't had my beauty sleep!"
He turns to face me, another evil smirk on his face. His stance shows that he is willing to duke it out, no matter the cost. He slackens and sighs. "Truthfully, Sir Wilhelm, I'm not with the Order anymore."
Again, a blow to the face. I gape, once again. (What is with me and open-mouthed gaping?) "What happened?" I happen to ask.
"Hm... Well, several years ago, the Order became corrupt, causing horrendous crimes, such as killing innocent animals, especially the wooly sheep. They thought the sheep were conspiring against them and decided to go through with a genocide. A bloodbath, it was. None remained alive. The incident was also known as the Great Sheep Slaying. After that, I couldn't take the stupidity any longer.... Ever since our first leader succumbed to old age."
"Ah, I understand. Sad to hear.... Sheep are too cuddly... Well, not really. They suck at cuddling. They baa! too much and are just too damn hairy. Anyways.. I'm off on a solo mission, which was supposed to be a single man raid on the Mansfield High stronghold, to vanquish monotony, drama, and boredom, among others.. But, I found myself in a green forest after slaying Distrust, the damn brute."
"Unfortunately," he says with no expression, "You're far from where you started. This is the Forest of Depression, far to the north of Mansfield. The trip back would be gruesome, filled along the way with many creatures and dangerous footfalls. Only a fool would venture back."
"People have told me I'm idiotic, so I guess I fit the "fool" part. Maybe I have a screw loose... But I don't have a screwdriver to tighten it... Hah hah."
"Corny joke, Sir Wilhelm," Sir Eric smirks. "Maybe your whole head is screwed up. Who knows. I just know I've been in this depressing shack for ages. The same dreary scenery is a downer."
"Heh, I know what you mean," I say. "I need to venture somewhere at least... I need to get back to Mansfield. Effin' midgets got me to smoke some Magic Herb... That's how I ended up here."
"Magic Herb, eh? That stuff is...different. Never tried it myself. Never wanted to. Midgets are deceitful little creatures anyways. Paranoid as hell, too. Too much smoke in their feeble heads, I guess."
We converse for many hours, until the already dark forest is glazed with an even blacker coat.... Dusk. Almost total blackness covers the room with its eerie stare. One part of a song verse is stuck in my head... Frustrating me to the point of bashing my head against the wall a couple of hundred times. Finally, our conversation ends. Silence.... Empty, devoid of everything... Only silence. Suddenly, a boom resounds against the shack door. Another one follows, shaking the door with its awesome power.
"Prepare yourself, Wilhelm," Sir Eric the Black of Door mutters under his breath.
Damn gods... Quit with your saddistic little game... I hate you. I hope you fall and break your hip, you fucking geezers. (To be continued...)