Sir Wilhelm: Part 4

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Starting the LONG journey back

Sir Eric the Black of Door cautiously approaches the front door of the shack. He presses his back against the wall against the weathered door, his breathing silent. He motions for me to come closer; I do, slowly, creeping up next to him. "Damn... I haven't had visitors since the last group of Girl Scouts came, trying to sell me those nasty ass cookies for unreasonable prices... Damn little bitches," he whispers, scorn on his face. "Evul little brats, really. They are even more greedy than all the kings in the world. All to get their badges they cherish so much." The booming resounds again and again. "Alright, the plan is to quickly swing the door open and then attack. Got it?" I quickly nod. He counts to three and then, with sudden swiftness, throws the door open. Standing outside, a man looks at us both. I get a weird vibe from him, like his sexuality is screwy. Within moments, both Sir Eric and I realize we've encountered a homosexual. We jump back with surprise. I unsheathe my sword and wait for Sir Eric. However, he's already raising his hand, fire issuing forth and engulfing the man. He screams and runs in circles, becoming a human fireball.
"We've got a flaming homosexual on our hands," I joke, chuckling. Watching the man slowly burn alive is too much for me, though. I quickly stride forward and stab him in the abdomen, blood spewing from his wound. "Urgh! You... son... of....a..." He collapses, his body limp. "Er... Should we poke him with a stick and see if he's still alive?" I ask. "Nah... Leave the corpse where it lies." He glares at the body, then kicks it, causing it to rise with the force of his kick.
"Well...What now?" I ask. He simply looks at me and shakes his head. "Forget about your mission, you fool? To Mansfield to vanquish whatever it was you were rambling on about before. However, to keep a close eye on you to make sure no real misfortune befalls you, I'll journey with you and keep you company. Such a long journey would be rather lonely solo." I briefly smile, remembering how happy I was when I hit puberty... Ahh, nothing like getting that deeper voice... and all that hair in...weird...places. Nevermind...  I nod, agreeing that it is probably best that Sir Eric accompanies me.
He quickly packs several items together in a small backpack and slings it over his shoulder. "I'm ready when you are, then, I suppose." I nod and we quickly exit the shack, its depressing look becoming sadder and sadder by the moment. The trees stir, shaking their trunks, making gray, withered leaves fall depressingly slow to the ground just to crumble away by the force of the wind. Apparently they too talk like the ones in the green forest, just with a more negative outlook. "Have you ever thought about how much life sucks?" one tree blandly asks another. "There's no point in even trying. We're just going to die anyways... Ah hell, I just want to die." Feeling like an asshole, I strike a match (Where the hell am I getting these?! Wait... I really, really don't want to know....) and throw it onto the tree. "You diiiccckkkk! I didn't mean for you to killlll mmeeeee...... Thhhiiiissss iiiisss fuuunnnnnn! Echo, echo! Amagod! I'm burning... burning....." A fizzle sound was the last thing that could be heard as smoke and ash are all that remains. "Feeling homocidal, do we?" Sir Eric asks, jokingly.
We venture through the Forest of Depression, full of boring swamps and more depressed trees... Maybe they lost their nuts to the ravenous squirrels (Haha) and its left them rather sad and on low self-esteem. Everything in the forest is, well, depressing... After what feels like several hours, our spirits drained of all hope and happiness, we emerge on the north side. The golden sunlight splashes us and revitalizes our souls.
"I must warn you to watch out for any North Side gangsters... They like to think they own the place and the South Side ones are their enemies. It doesn't matter, though, because they feel like everyone is from the south, so they shoot first, ask the corpse questions later. Just follow me and watch your step," Sir Eric says.
We walk along the dirt-trodden path that leads away from the forest onto northern boundaries. We're soon cut short by some darker looking men, each wearing a scowl. "Hey, you two! I bet you're from the south. Don't make us bust a cap in yo asses." Sir Eric, quickly losing his temper, sets one of them ablaze... Within moments, a burnt, smoking corpse. "What made you do that?" I ask him. He shrugs. "I just like fire... It's interesting and setting things aflame is actually quite fun." I shake my head and stare down the remaining gangster. He looks scared, but persistent. "Don't make me call in reinforcements," he warns. "I can have a whole gang on you within moments... But, you do have one option."
I instantly know what he means. I break out in dance, busting out all of the moves I know. "This isn't Dance Dance Revolution, dumbass," Sir Eric mutters. The gangster also breaks out in dance, trying to school my awesome dance moves. This lasts several minutes before I do the splits (Which my groin still hurts.... and seeing physical therapy for...), unable to get back up. "Damn... Who knew I'd get schooled by someone doing the splits?" the gangster asks himself. "Fine, yo niggas are free to pass... I hope something eats you, impales you, something..." "Like that will happen!" booms Eric, setting the gangster ablaze. He shrugs again. "I love fire, what can I say? The colors are just pretty, I guess."
We cross through the North Side Gangster territory quickly, taking detours along the road. We reach a bluff that overlooks a large body of water. The water, a grayish black, ebbs and flows with its own massive force. I look over the edge, thinking of bungee jumping... Ouch... Those rocks would definitely rip you a new one... before stepping back. "Hm... This is the Ocean of Malcontent," informs Sir Eric. "Now... To find some sort of transportation across this vast body of water." I look at him, stunned. Across that...? There is no way.... "Are you shitting me?" I ask. "How the hell are we supposed to cross? You did say malcontent. That word doesn't sound too er... pleasant."
A loud splash interrupts our conversation. A giant squid, its red eyes shiny with bloodlust, appears. Its tentacles, easily twenty feet in length flail around in every which direction. I quickly unsheathe my sword, measuring our chances against the hundred foot beast. Its beak, dripping of saliva, snaps, sounding like the boom of thunder.
"I AM BORELIAS! THE 2ND COUSIN, TWICE REMOVED OF KRAKEN!" it booms.
"Thanks for the very short family history lesson!" yells Sir Eric before grabbing the staff that he had secretly strapped to his back. "Eat fire, bitch!" He swings the staff in the beast's direction, creating a firestorm that quickly scorches its tentacles. It screeches, the sound of fingernails against a chalkboard coming to mind. Not wanting to miss any of the action, I grab a rock and chuck it at its head. It bounces off, apparently doing no damage. "What are you thinking?!" asks Sir Eric, dodging the undamaged tentacles. "How the hell is a little rock going to damage a hundred foot squid? Use some sense, genius!" Without warning, one of its tentacles strikes me, pinning me to the ground. "Oh my god.... Its like fat camp all over again!" (I don't even remember how I joined the camp, only the fat bitch smashing me like a pancake.) "Idiot!" yells Sir Eric, using some nice ninja skills to dodge and attack the tentacles. "Take that and that!" he yells again, swinging his staff like there's no tomorrow. Fire erupts in every direction the tentacles are flailing. Every single one is scorched.
"UNCLE! UNCLE! ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT! SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!" Borelias booms.
Another loud splash... Silence as the aftermath of the battle commences. I lay in a crumpled heap, not wanting to move. "Get up, you lazy ass!" I slowly and weakly raise myself to my feet, wobbly and dazed. "What a battle that was..." I mutter, surprised I could actually talk. "We won, I take it?" "I won, to be precise," Sir Eric says, shaking his head. "Get it right, genius." We both sigh with relief that its over and stare off to the edge of the horizon, the water's ugly surface stretching the whole distance. Hah. Reminds me of whores, for some reason. Damned hotdog in a hallway. I shudder at the thought.
"Put your hands up!" a female voice erupts from behind us. "Don't move besides that. Good... Now boys, tie 'em up and let's take our newly found booty aboard with us. Argh! Eh, fuck this. I'm just going to talk normally. Men, take these good gents and put them in the storage area. Make sure their restraints are tight enough to cut all the circulation off in the hands... Heh heh. Oh... Sorry. Got carried away. Just put them on board! Pronto!"
Rough hands tie ropes around our arms and legs, causing us to fall to the ground with a loud thud. Blindfolds are tied to our faces not long after that. "Knock the bloody bastards out." Not again, I think to myself. A quick blow to the head... Darkness.
I'm seriously going to find out which gods like fucking with me and I'm going to open a can of fresh whoop ass, sometime... I'll get my revenge. I'm watching your every move... Like now... You're on the pot, wishing you weren't constipated, you fuckers!