Tuesday, 09 September 2008
A Rather Strange Boatride
Here I am, surrounded by mounds of ice cream, (an obese person's heaven!), each flavor taunting me with its delicious words, "Eat me... eat me... you know you want some of my artificial goodness!" My mouth waters furiously, creating pools of saliva. Before I know it, I pounce the chocolate mound and start to make ice-cream angels... (Can't exactly make snow angels, can I?) Woohoo! is all I can think. Heaven, in a most delicious form..."Sir Wilhelm, wake your ass up! You salivate like a starving dog!" I quickly stir, embarrassed like a kid caught by everyone in their underwear. I try to wipe my drool covered mouth, but my arms don't move. "Oh my god! I have no arms!" I yell as I thrash about, knocking myself to the wooden floor. "You idiot... We're bound by rope. Are you on something?" Turning several shades of red, I shake my head and ponder about senseless topics... Haha... Jello, it's alive! Two times two equals four, pi equals squared... Gah! Damn you math and your stupid, stupid numbers. Why?!
"Ah our captives are awake! How are you feeling?" the female captain asks as she enters. Her long, flowing black hair swirls in the sea breeze. She smiles, one filled with cunning and deception as she approaches us. My mouth waters as I noticed she is very busty and to top it off, wearing a low cut shirt... Ahh.... Cleavage. I shake away the perverted thoughts and look at Eric, who looks very cross with her and the situation we're in. "What do you think?" he asks her in a sarcastic tone. She sets her attention on him, a piercing stare that most people would cower from... But not Sir Eric... He looks right back at her with rage in his eyes. "I didn't accompany this man here just to be captured. What is the reason for our imprisonment?" She laughs... Jiggly breasts... <Shakes away the thought...> "To be frank..." "Your name is Frank?!" I interrupt, surprised. "No... You naive man. What I was trying to say is... I have taken an interest in both of you, but of course, I can only have one as my mate..." I try to say something, but the words catch in my throat. "What?!" Eric exclaims instead. "That is completely idiotic. You dumb sea bitch." "Ooh. I like a guarded man. It makes the game a bit more challenging. However, since I can only pick one of you, there must be a test: a fight to the death to be exact!" "Between who?" I ask. (A rather dumb question, I now realize) "You two... Now make me proud and let there be blood and plenty of it! Heh." She unsheathes her sabre and cuts our bindings.
The bright sunlight stings my eyes as we make our way onto the deck. All of her men stare us down, no emotion visible on their faces. Vibes of homosexuality quiver along my spine or maybe it's just me... "Ah, gay seamen, haha," I whisper to Eric as we make our way to the center of the deck. "Idiot..." is all Eric mumbles. Roars erupt from the men. Sounds like they are trying to be animals in the zoo... Or a pack of wolves... I don't really know. "Men, I have a show for us. The death of one of these fine gentlemen and a quick wedding afterwards! How does that sound?" "A wedding... Why a wedding? Pirates don't marry. We're fierce sea dogs, living on the edge and fighting those that try to control us. Don't tell me the captain is going soft? Yes... I can see it in her beautiful eyes. You're not the same captain I once knew. Fuck you!" one of the men exclaims. "So be it..." the captain says, ice in her voice. She whips out a pistol and shoots the man between the eyes. Kur-plunk is the last sound the man ever made. Water aerobics and old wrinkly women in the water excercising comes to mind, for some reason... Ugh... Old women makes me sick. I feel queasy as silence, dead as a dog, comes over the men. "Now for the spectacle you've all been waiting for!" She throws two swords at us, which I quickly pick up. "Woo! I feel powerful!" I shout, forgetting everyone around me. The men laugh and shake their heads at my stupidity... (At least I admit it, right? Righhhttt?) I face Eric with the sword at my side. "Now, now, don't tell me a knight can't kill someone he hardly knows?" Eric asks, a slight smile curling on his lips. "I can!" he shouts suddenly, fire issuing from his open hand. I barely manage to deflect the attack with the sword, which advertly scorches some of the men watching. The image of the flaming homosexual comes to mind... Haha... I rush in to attack, but I stumble, the sword flying out of my hands and into another man's head. Thud. "Oops. Sorry!" I shout. I run to the captain and use her body, which is heavenly I might add, as a shield. "Get the hell away from me!" she exclaims, slapping me all over. "I like it when you're rough." I reply. "Ugh. You swine..." I back up with her, until I reach the edge of the boat. The men watch intently, enjoying every moment of the spectacle. "Bye everyone!" I shout as I push her away and diving into the water, which swirls violently... Oh shit... Water fills my lungs, seemingly to shout," Lungs, you are my bitch!"
Coughing and spewing, I sink into the water... I curse my stupidity as I lose consciousness... Again, darkness controls me... Absorbing my being in its black entity of blackness. Damn you, gods! You know what? I use to be faithful, but no more! You like fucking people in the ass!
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